-dear diary

I have been sitting on buses going into places that carried promises of love. I have learnt so much in one week that my head is slowly turning into a gourd of somewhat unwanted thoughts. I have learnt to search for love in faces of strangers.  I have learnt to be scared of losing what was never mine. I have learnt to cry myself to sleep. I have learnt to mistaken strangers’ smiles for love. I have taught myself to lose friends because my senses were literally drowning in alcohol. I have learnt that mornings are meant for apologizing because the previous night I was out of line. I have learnt that there are no shortcuts to healing. I have learnt that love is birthed by so much pain. I have ​found myself desperate for it. I have taught myself to lose pride begging for love.

 I’m still sitting here 

learning 

to forgive myself

for thinking after all those years I had left unhurt

for thinking I had managed to hurt you

I’m still learning 

the art of letting go what I never had

I’m still learning

to tell myself Im still sane.

I’m also still learning to accept 

that you hurt me.

© Elizabeth Semende 🌼

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